Was It Worth It?
by RedneckGeek
Summary: Deeks reflects on the past.


**A/N I guess it is my turn to jump on the "Spoils of War" Bandwagon. While I still think the two of them will up together, the road will be rough. Here's another view of how things will play out. **

**Disclaimer: Nothing in the bank account, so I don't own anything from NCIS LA nor do I own anything from the original.**

The winds off of the Pacific were cool and brisker than usual, and it was affecting the waves nicely, even if the water was colder than what I am used to. The awesome swells out there were mocking me. It is days like today that I wonder if the job is worth it. The toll of gunshots, stabbings, beatings and even Russian dentistry upon my body had finally started to catch up to me. The beach wasn't soothing as it used to be when I couldn't surf because the water was so darn uncomfortable. But the physical aches and pains were nothing compared to the emotional trauma that still reared its ugly head from time to time in the stillness of the night. And again I had to ask myself was it really worth it? Yes I had helped saved the world on occasion, and yes I helped those who needed it. Evil personified was stopped, and innocents I would never meet were able to sleep soundly at night because of what I had sacrificed. But at what cost to me?

Yes the job had given me something that had been missing from my life; a family. Two brothers, a best friend who was and could have been something so much more, and even a surrogate mother for time before she betrayed us all. But Afghanistan changed us. To be brutally honest I changed the moment I was strapped into that chair by that bastard Sidirov. But what happened in the house in Khost was the straw that broke the camel's back. You don't come back easily after you have ripped a part of your very soul out. But it wasn't just me, the lies and manipulations used against Kensi had broken her trust in us, in her very family. Our surrogate mother had driven a wedge between us that seemed insurmountable.

We tried, God how we tried. But we were both too damaged to get our thing back. We sought help; we even managed to get Nate involved. But in the end we both realized that it was not going to work; and each of us were not willingly to lose what we had before; mutually we chose to stay as nothing more than partners and best friends. We still cared that damn much about each other, and the job was all we had left. We couldn't stand the thought of trusting another with our back. So yes the job had cost me my first true love.

We were there for each other. We played wingman for each other, though there were no more lines about cheating on her with her brother. And yes I won't lie; there were moments of weakness between Kens and me. But our banter was back and our partnership survived. We were there for each other when Hetty died and we had yet to forgive her for what she had done to us. When the team made sure that the Comescu family would never trouble Callen or Joelle again, we had each other's backs and helped the other deal with the nightmares that the incident brought back in full force.

I held her all night the day her mother died. I followed her into some third world crap hole in South America when she learned of her half-sister from her father. I bore the screams of rage, hurt and despair Kens directed at me as she learned to walk again after one of her one date only went horribly wrong. I was there to stop her from following me into hell when we finally caught the guy. I used my legal knowledge when the asshole's defense attorney tried to make Kens the bad guy. I supported her when everyone else thought she was crazy for turning down the offer of her own team in Bahrain.

Kens managed to bring me back when Max Gentry was needed and I took one step closer to my father. Her hand in mine became a regular occurrence when I needed to see the dentist. She showed up at my doorstep bag packed when I had to travel to Ray's funeral. She pushed me into a relationship, even though the pain it caused her almost made me walk away. And when Max's past caught up to me, when Talia and our unborn child paid the price of Max's sins, she was there. Kens picked up the pieces when I shattered. She stopped me from pulling the trigger on the pistol in my mouth, yanked me from a drunken stupor, and held me while I raged against the world.

"What are you thinking about?" The smells of sunshine and gunpowder wafted over the ocean breezes. I glanced up to see Kens looking down at me with concern in those mismatched eyes that still to this day fascinated me.

"How did you know I would be here?"

"Oh please, we've been partners for how long? And you're answering my question with a question again." She snorted.

"The past. And how fucking stupid we were." I grabbed her wrist and yanked her down into my lap. "I can't help but wonder where we would be if only either of us had opened our mouths sooner?"

"Probably right where we are now." She replied kissing me as if her life depended on it. "Only the road would have been smoother and happier."

So tell me was the job worth it? Please, please tell me.

**I tried using Ava in place of Talia, but just couldn't get the idea of Kensi supporting Deeks in relationship with her, Nicole or Monica wrapped around in my head. I think Talia is close enough to Kensi that she would support her best friend in that relationship. Thanks for reading it, and please tell me what you think. And yes this will be a One Shot.**

**The End**


End file.
